Rules of Play

Not that I have even a vague interest in anything that resembles dating at the moment, but this little piece has been long over-do. Friends, "exs"...they have all noted that I play by some pretty non-traditional rules. One friend suggested that I write an actual rule book. I told her that I had considered pamphlets. (Easier to distribute and all.) But really, why not just put it online?

General Rules

1. No calls the next day. No plans for the next day. There shall be a minimum of 24 hours waiting period before the next contact is made.

2. No spending the night. Absolutely not.

3. There will be no getting together at a frequency exceeding once a week.

4. Call me once, call me twice. A third time is pushing it but do realize that once you reach four points of unreturned contact in a 24 hour period, you have officially reached the stalking level.

5. I rarely give out my number. Phone numbers will be exchanged only after one has proven himself "not stalker-ish" through IM first. Please refer to the rule above and apply to offline messages.

6. There shall be no integration with friends or family.

7. First-time meets will always be in a public place.

8. Oh, I never call it "dating" or a "date". It's "hanging-out". Labels such as boyfriend and girlfriend have been stricken from my vocabulary.

9. Exclusivity is reserved only for the extremely rare "serious relationship".

10. I go on a lot of first "dates"...not too many seconds and even fewer thirds. I get bored very easily. It is really difficult to maintain my interest. I'm all about having fun. Please don't take anything with me too seriously.


Comments that scare me away...

1. Anything that begins with, "Next summer we should..." Whoa buddy, lets work with the season we are in ok?

2. Do you like kids? See, what I hear is, "those are mighty fine breeding hips you have there...would you like to be my baby factory?"

3. Are you romantic/do you like romance? If you indicate that this may be your game plan with me I'm going to promptly bolt. I am very uncomfortable with Hallmark moments.

4. Texting me with, "I miss you". Um...this is almost never acceptable unless we are madly in love and have been apart for a period of at least one month. Furthermore, calling "just to say hi because you were thinking of me", is not cute. It's kinda creepy.

5. Totally bashing your ex. Now obviously you two broke up for a reason but calling her a "psycho bitch" makes you sound like an immature ass. It's like bashing your previous employer on a job interview...really just not cool.

6. (During play)..."can I touch here/can we do this?" Dude if you pause to ask my permission, the answer is no. Have some balls and go for it! If I'm not feeling ya I'll stop you.

7. "I don't really like oral". uh huh...ok, NEXT!

8. Anything that indicates a lack of financial responsibility. Example statements, "I can't carry cash because I'll spend it", "I don't trust myself with credit cards", or "I lost $1800 at the casino last night"!

9. Anything that indicates ignorance or stupidity. Example statement, "I'm not that smart...but I don't have to be because I have a really good job".

10. Picky eaters. Enough said. I dealt with it for seven years and I'm done.