To reproduce or not to reproduce? It is a legitimate question.

“When I grow up I wanna be a plain mommy…no babies, no husband, no nothing.” Family members love to tell the story of this statement I made when I was about the age of three. Of course, they had to explain to me that a “mommy” meant someone that had children. But, I think my point was clear regardless.

As a teen and a young woman my stance remained firm, at least on the baby part. I did actually marry at the age of 25 but have since gotten a divorce. Everyone always said that my opinion on having children would change as I got older. Next month I will be 30 years old. My stance is even firmer now than it was at the age of three.

“My biological clock must be a digital because I’ve never heard it tick once,” I will joke. But this is honestly true. Nearly all of my childhood friends have had children as well as my two sisters. I have held their babies, some as young as the day they were born. And while I have at times found their children absolutely adorable, I have never once felt even a flicker of feeling like I want one of my own.

Particularly when I was to be married, people harassed me about this choice. I have heard all the comments; ‘you HAVE to have children,” “you’re sinning against God,” “why did you bother getting married if you don’t want kids,” “that’s selfish”, and my favorite, “you could always adopt”, from people who obviously assume that the real reason for my lack of reproduction must be some biological or health issue.

Let’s begin with the marriage question. I got married because among many other things, it was something I wanted to experience. I may not be a typical girly-girl but I wanted to experience the wedding, the ceremony, the reception and being someone’s wife. The man I married did not want children either (or so he said). Now that I am divorced, people always ask me if I want to remarry. They are shocked when I reply with, “probably not”. Honestly, I might but it’s been checked-of my “list of things to do this life”. So it’s not at all a priority. Furthermore, legal marriage just complicates things should two people decide to part ways. My ex and I had an amicable separation but it was nearly impossible to find a lawyer that wasn’t a “shit starter”, trying to make a simple situation hostile. And even though it was an uncontested divorce with no disputes, it was still quite costly.

Now to address the “sinning against God” comment. Well folks, I simply don’t subscribe to your concept of God nor do I adhere to any organized religion. My beliefs are more philosophical and scientific in nature. I’d elaborate further but I’m certain you don’t care to open up your mind long enough for me to do so.

You have to have kids? Really? “Accidents do happen,” people will say in a coy tone. It’s these very people that should probably refrain from reproducing do to their obvious ignorance. There are such things as birth control and sterilization ya know? It can be prevented. But here’s what it really boils down to; most people really do not consider reproduction as a choice. Most consider it part of life, something you just have to do. I’m quite certain that many people have never even considered “not” having kids as they just assume that they will. In fact, I have met many people who have expressed their opinion on having children as, “if it happens it happens”. That’s cute. You can live your life or you can let life live you. It really is a choice. There is always choice. That’s the beautiful thing about freedom.

And finally, let’s discuss the topic of selfishness because this one really makes me giggle. Oh yes, how dare I deprive the world of my offspring. Civilization might cease to exist if I don’t personally contribute to the billions of people already alive on earth. It is NOT selfish to abstain from having kids. It IS selfish to have them because you “have to” or “want to” regardless of your ability to care for and provide for them. However, if you want to call ME selfish (not the decision), then I am OK with that. I am selfish. I want to experience as much of the world as I can and I just don’t have 18+ to devote to being a parent. And I do believe that as a parent, your children should be your priority. I’m just not interested in signing myself up for that. I don’t want to go to Sesame Street on Ice. I want to visit Hawaii, publish a book, make an impact on the world. Yes, I am selfish. You should be happy that I recognize that about myself and have decided not to reproduce rather than have children that I might later neglect.

Say what you want but none of this makes me a bad person. Oh sure, many will try to make me feel that way. But again, I have choice and I choose not to let those people make me feel inferior. I am not a bad person. I simply value different things. I have different goals. And maybe I am just a little bit more self aware and honest with myself than most.