A Step Back

"Sometimes you have to take a step back before you can move forward."

That was the line I had been telling myself and others regarding my decision to go back to school which required some serious downsizing of my life. I went to earning half the salary I had been accustomed to for the past five years. I was letting a bill go unpaid because I couldn't afford it and this would certainly ruin my otherwise perfect credit. If that didn't, it was likely that I'd be filing for bankruptcy. Painfully I sold my dream vehicle, my 2005 Jeep Liberty in which I had much fun and good memories. I bought a cheaper vehicle. I purchased groceries only from the discount stores that offered little variety and I ate the same cheap things regularly. And even though I don't watch much TV, I canceled my cable and now receive only one channel via antenna.

I have honestly been so excited to be back in school and working towards something that I want. In fact, I had never really done that before. Everything I had ever done in my life (for the most part) was typically for someone else or because I "had to". It was exciting to have my life be about me and only me. But if ever there was any doubt about the decision I had made to embark on this journey, that was laid to rest this past Monday.

At one of my places of employment there was a little promotion going on from an outside sales person. The guy set up outside our place and all day approached customers in the lot trying to get permission to demonstrate his product and then hopefully get them to buy. I watched from the window. Hour after hour he approached customers, some of which completely ignored him. A few came into the store and complained about the annoyance. I couldn't hear them outside but I watched as he presented the product. I witnessed a few demos. I saw him make one sale.

As I watched I got chills. A pit formed in my stomach and at least twice tears swelled in my eyes. I would never do that again. I had never done that type of sales exactly but I was all too familiar with the cold-call or sale...approaching or calling random people practically begging them to talk to me. The desperation. The rejection. The defeat. I thought of all the times I had locked myself in a bathroom stall at work to cry or gone out to my car for the same reason. I thought of how many times I looked at the picture of my cats on my desk...the ONLY thing that kept me going as I wondered which day would be my last...aware that at any moment I could easily be disposed of and have no way to provide for them or myself. I thought of how sick that made me feel...how my heart would sometimes race with palpitations from the anxiety of it all. I remember waking up exhausted and disgusted after a night of restless sleep full of nightmares about the very job that I would soon suffer through for another eight hours. And I was so disappointed because through it all that voice in my head kept telling me, "you can do so much better than this."

When I snapped out of that horrific flashback a moment of genuine peace and satisfaction overcame me and I was excited again. It was worth it. It had ALL been worth it. And anything that came forward would be worth it too. In fact, the ONLY thing I wouldn't have given up for this was my cats. I was NEVER going to do that again. Never. It was all over and everything was going to be OK. Things were going to get better. And "I" was back.